The Power Of Nonviolent Communication

In the run-up to the 2020 United States presidential election, my best friend and I were in a group chat with a few other mutual friends. We all shared many of the same political beliefs, so there wasn’t much discord in the chat. Then one day, I characterized a political figure in a way my best friend didn’t like. Tension arose between us. He took my words as a personal attack on his character, and in his own words to “put me in my place”, he shared into the chat information about my life that I had shared with him in confidentiality. I was deeply hurt. I instantly lost all trust in him and our friendship was severely damaged.

I didn’t want to lose my best friend, but I also couldn’t pretend as if everything was ok…

The following day I worked up the courage to call him and speak about what happened, but the conversation didn’t go well. I shared how his behavior impacted me, but somehow I didn’t feel like he really got it. ‘How do I be honest in a way that will actually help, and not further destroy our relationship?’

Hurt, confusion, hopelessness, sadness, lostness, and powerlessness arose in me. ‘Now what?’ Well, I did the only thing I could think to do… nothing. Nothing but sit with my experience. Then somehow, as if from outer space, a memory emerged. I remembered a book I had read years earlier, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships, and I wondered to myself, ‘Had I just found a way to reconcile my relationship with my best friend?’

Hopeful, I immediately searched Nonviolent Communication on YouTube and proceeded to watch a video of Marshall teaching a seminar on the basics of NVC. Somehow, although I’m not sure how, I knew I had found what I was looking for. Over the next few weeks, I immersed myself in the teachings of Nonviolent Communication by watching every YouTube video of Marshall I could find, some many times over.

Eventually, still shaky but confident enough, I wrote down what I wanted to say to my best friend, made sure all my words were in alignment with the teachings of Nonviolent Communication, and had a conversation with him. To my amazement, the conversation went well! I experienced being heard and understood, and we were able to reconcile our friendship. A friendship that still persists to this day.

Though my experience was quite the emotional rollercoaster, it was also one that changed the course of my life. Since then, I’ve studied Nonviolent Communication with trainers from around the world, including receiving specialized training in coaching and mediation, and the results have been nothing short of astonishing. I’ve learned how to express myself, be fully honest, and confront others in a way they are likely to enjoy. I’ve learned how to listen to others that hold perspectives I disagree with, even dislike, and fall in love with what they’re saying. I’ve learned how to resolve conflict in a way that actually creates more connection in the relationship. And most importantly, I’ve learned how to release myself from feelings of guilt and shame, enabling me to ask for what I truly want without fear of hearing a ‘no,’ and easily receive negative feedback from people that are angry or upset with me.

When conflict arises in a relationship we care about, we often believe we have only two options… ‘Do I shut up and deal with it in order to maintain the relationship? Or be honest, and risk losing everything?’ It can seem like there’s no way out. However, I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be that way… there’s another option. There’s a way to be fully honest AND maintain the connection. There’s a way to find the peace beyond conflict.